Dad (17th May 1940 - 18th Jan 2021)
Its been a few days since Dad left us; but I'm unable to sleep and thought I would write down some thoughts about Dad.
I was born in Ernakulam to an Engineer from Trikarpur working in Cochin Shipyard.
Thinking of my beloved Dad I would like to pen down some memories of him and some characteristics of his that will remain in my life.
Dad during his work life was very committed to the job he did; when he retired he turned all that energy towards his family and society. Dad focused on his family. He made it his mission to visit his family members, his neighbors, whomever he met; he built a healthy relationship with everyone he met.
I did not know him to be a person to hold a grudge to anyone. He never complained to me that someone was a bad person. He formed relationships with an open heart.
In no particular order some memories..
Travel -
This was one of his big passion. My heart skips a beat when I think how many times he discussed with my son that he wanted to visit Switzerland with him. A grandfather - grandson relationship. I was out of the picture in these conversations.
From my early days I remember Dad used to travel to so many places in India and whenever he came back he would bring so many different sweets. I remember the tasty gulab jamoons and the macaroons he would bring. Those were my favorite and still in my memory.
I remember being jealous that he travelled to Japan when my brother was young and I had to play with the broken Japanese toys that my brother played with.
Attention to Detail -
A memory that is clear in my mind is during the rare occasions he would come to school during the parent teachers interaction when we get our answer sheet. This was during my schooling in Chennai. He would come sit in the bench and get the answer sheet of the best student in the class and compare what I wrote in the answer sheet with the other one. Then he would scold me for all the silly things I wrote in the paper. I would stand there embarrassed and then he would go on to discuss with the teachers about how I was in class. I remember that if it was my mom who is coming; I was like a king, she would not ask a single question, put her signature, smile to the teachers and leave. A memory of dad that I always cherish in my mind.
Financial lessons -
I learnt from my Dad how to save money and how to spend only for enough luxury as needed. The rest can be used to help society or invested to earn more. I was returning from Germany for the first time (I think) to India. The flight was landing in Mangalore via middle East. I was a bit tired as well from the long journey. Dad came to pick me up. Normally when anyone comes in my mother's side from Dubai or Qatar someone is always there with a car to pick up and take home. My dad came alone to pick me up, I gave him a warm hug which I always love to do (I loved to kiss and hug my dad). He flagged down an auto and asked me to load my bag in the auto. I asked him is there no car? he told me it's not required; we have a train that will take us straight to Trikarpur and he has parked our car there at the station. We reached the station and took a train. We got into the normal unreserved compartment and it was crowded. I somehow managed to pull the bag and someone gave me a seat in the corner. I was sitting there looking at dad. I wasn't really concerned about me, I was concerned he was doing this still at this age when he could have asked me to book a ticket and I would have done it online. In many occasions he taught me how fight and not get comfortable with the pleasures money brought. I'm ready to roll my sleeves and work hard even if I lose all the money and job I have. I would have no shame in the work I would need to do however small to survive. This is the what I picked up from seeing my Dad and the experiences he gave me.
There is another incident that I always remember; When I had to cycle more than 10 Kms from Kotturpuram to a bank in Parrys corner in Chennai during my school days to deposit one of his checks. It was the first time I cycled alone so far in heavy city traffic under the hot Chennai sun and cycle back asking directions all along the way (there were no mobile phones back then; google did not exist). I know I was angry with my dad that day but it was such incidents that made me stronger and more confident to deal with life's hardships.
Pleasant and unassuming -
I remember him to be pleasant with all our relatives. Even if it was weddings on my wife's side or my brother's wife side he would take an active role in engaging the guests and making sure there are no short comings. He would greet everyone with a smile and be so active not mindful of his age. Not sitting down in a corner but actively walking around making sure there are no short comings. He did all this from his heart not expecting back anything.
As a young kid I remember being embarrassed to walk with him as he would talk to so many people on the way and maybe enter the homes of people on the way just to say hello. I remember quite often discussing with mom how we hesitated to go out with Dad because of his habit of just entering someone's home and sitting there to chat.
I remember the time he visited me in Chennai when I was working there and staying with my colleagues in a rented room. After he left; our neighbors who never talked to us previously; started asking where is dad. He had interacted with all of them and made friends with them. Many of my friends messaged me to offer condolences and they all remember his cheerful interactions.
Knowledge -
My dad always impressed me with his knowledge. I remember watching quiz shows in TV when I was younger where he would know most of the answers and I would be sitting there blinking wondering how did he know this answer.
He always loved to discuss the subjects my kids were learning in school in detail. He would discuss what they learned and either learn something new from them or tell them something more that he knew on the topic. He always advised me to sit with my kids and discuss what they were learning and talk with them about it.
Language -
He was fond of languages. He spoke English very well, very fluent in Hindi, maybe some other north Indian languages as well as he travelled so much. He even learnt to read Tamil which I could not myself (I can only speak Tamil very well); even though I grew up in Chennai from my 5th std. He knew a bit of Japanese, was learning Arabic, he was in the progress of learning German preparing for his next trip. I remember my son and daughter trying to teach him German during his first trip. He would struggle with the pronunciation and the kids would make him repeat so many times. These are memories I cherish that warm my heart 💓.
When he visited us in Germany he made friends with the Turkish imam in the masjid near my home and would sit there and drink Turkish tea and chat with them. He also attended Turkish classes with Syrian refugees in the masjid. He would go for the classes with a notebook and pen.
Charity -
He truly believed in helping others with financial help even though he did not spend much for his own needs. Dad always preferred to travel in a bus or train or just walk but he would not hesitate to help a relative.
Disciplined life / Changing customs -
He would share his ideas and thoughts on so many aspects of our lives. He did not like our way of life of waking up late, eating late and heavy, and sleeping late. He advised to always wake up early, do some morning exercise, prayers, eat early and healthy and sleep early. There are so many messages from him on this topic in our family WhatsApp group.
He did not like many formalities, he advised against visiting hospitals in huge numbers. He never liked that. He did not like to spend money on hosting big parties at home.
He did not like the idea of running to a hospital for any small pain. He would wait to see if it developed or subsided and would rather prefer to cure most problems through home remedies.
He always felt that khutbah in the masjid should be in a language that the common man understood and talked about this many times. He wanted people to maintain Adab in the Masjid and particularly disliked people spitting out of the windows in a particularly loud manner.
Nature and Gardening -
After his retirement he took a lot to gardening. He enjoyed taking care of plants and even during his last days in the hospital kept enquiring about his plants. He used to advise us that we can find Jannah in simply taking care of plants. He advised everyone to grow their own vegetables and fruits in their own homes.
Of course there are more memories of him but I will stop this here for now..
There are some characteristics of my Dad that worried me a lot about him.
Worrying
He worried a lot of about many things; about the political atmosphere; about his near and dear ones. He would keep talking about them and felt like he some how had to find a way to solve all these problems. If he would solve one problem then immediately he would find something else to worry about. He never made us worry about his health related problems. He always took care of his problems by himself.
Patience
He would never wait in a queue. Quite often I remember he would jump queues to buy a ticket or something like this. I always would stand afar in embarrassment and I would always fear that he might get into a fight with someone because of this.
All of us at some point have to go through this phase of losing a loved one.
Its truly very difficult and its only been a few days since he has a left but I am filled with his memories.
I hope talking about it, sharing such things and just giving it time will help somehow to get a grip and live with these memories until its my time to say bye and join him again.
Love and Miss you DAD!! I am sorry for all the times I have hurt you!!
